History Lesson from the Right

~~Author unknown~~
~~Provided to me by Heidi Kutney (thank you Heidi)~~

For those that don’t know about history…….Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

–       Liberals and

–       Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement…..

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live of the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movements.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide meat and beer that conservatives provide.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for a obvious reason.


Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), most of prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, artists and group therapists are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big Game Hunters, Rodeo Cowboys, Lumberjacks, Construction Workers, Firemen, Medical Doctors, Police Officers, Engineers, Corporate Executives, Athletes, Members of the Military, Airline Pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened then Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above after reading or before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded and promoted immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self…..I am going to have another beer.

One response

  1. Michaela Brandner | Reply

    I love your sarcastic humour! Thank you for your post and making me laugh today!

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